Tuesday, February 7, 2012

What to get her for valentines

Disclaimer: This article is intended for the male species only, any lady reading this is doing so at her own risk. If for any reason your girlfriend finds out that you bought her a gift based on these principles again as the author of this piece I will not be held responsible in any way for the outcome. Finally if anyone suffers financial lose because of following the advice herein…again I will not in any way be held responsible.

Now that we have laid the ground work and clearly described what is at risk and you are still reading I will assume that you perfectly understand what you are getting yourself into and move swiftly to the gist of the matter. Again if you are having doubts now is the time to close this tab or move to a different page.
For those of you who are still here, we can now move on to the gist of the matter. Every year as it approaches Feb. 14th I get many guys asking me what to get their girlfriends/wives/mpango wa kandos for valentines.

I don’t want to spend a lot of time trying to explain theories about Valentines celebrations and all that you can find for yourself by simply typing valentines on google. All I want to do is help you get that perfect gift for your mate that will make her so proud of you but the most important thing is that you should buy her something that makes you happy too.
What I am trying to say is that before you go shopping, think about that thing that you’ve always wanted to get for yourself (yes I said yourself if you are doubting). Now you are thinking in the lines of a new car, maybe DsTv (if u don’t have one already), Ps3, Xbox etc

The idea behind this is to get your girlfriend or wife something functional. I am not being insensitive here, ladies for a long time have mastered this game and its high time we leveled up. Look at the gifts they buy you: socks, neck ties, cuffs, wallets very functional stuff and there you go spending all your money on a Ksh. 15,000 dinner dress! Boss are you crazy? Or a diamond ring and stuff like that? Who gives a f**K about diamond rings in Kenya? I wouldn’t even know it’s a diamond ring if I saw you wearing one so I would probably go get her some fake rock worth a thao bob and spend the rest on her new car (never mind that the logbook is in my name).
Having said that lets now get down to business, when shopping for the “perfect” gift, make sure you buy your partner a gift that you are bound to benefit more from her. In essence you are buying yourself a gift so choose wisely.

My wife would probably say I am wasting money if I bought myself a Ps3, so that’s why I am buying her a Ps3 for valentines. Now look at the logic: how much time will my wife spend playing on that thing with her gals, that is if she has any friends who can handle Fifa 2012 and Teken. She is working 8 – 5 on Monday to Thursdays then she has to cook and do the other house chores by the time she is done its 10.00 pm – bed time! On Fridays after work she has to travel coz she has weekend Classes in a different town until Sunday afternoon.

On the other hand I also work 8-5 then attend evening classes from Monday – Wednesday meaning that I have the entire Friday evening, Saturday and Sunday to enjoy my Ps3 whether alone or with friends, talk about being brilliant!
Another good idea is buying her a manual transmission car…these days chicks are used to automatic cars with power steering and that navigator crap. This is the time to get yourself that oldskool ride that you have always admired. For me that will be the 1987 VW beetle, fully manual but with a nice finish and probably have it painted baby pink so that she thinks I really bought it for her. I am sure that night she will think she is the luckiest girl on earth but if only she knew?

By now I think you get the idea and can come up with the perfect gift for yourself. Remember: Always make it look like you got it for her and you are in for bliss.
PS: A simple card and a bar of chocolate always does the trick too if you don’t intend to spend so much. Do not make the same mistakes you made in December life does not end on Feb. 14th do not go out of your means just to impress someone. If they really love you they will appreciate the little gift you get them.
Btw I still don’t know what I am getting her for valentines but I am sure it’s not a Ps3 or a VW.

Monday, January 23, 2012

You should know people

“You should know people”, that is probably what Ocampo could have said to Uhuru and Ruto if he were Kenyan then walk away with a jaluo swag but thank God he is not Kenyan and definitely has no relatives in the lakeside – don’t be fooled by the ‘O’ in his name.
Having said that, I really don’t know how to react to today’s ruling by the pre-trial Chamber to confirm charges against the four out of six suspects. Maybe some form of justice will come out of this process and eventually some families will find some form of closure. What I know for sure is that this process will not bring back the friends and family we lost to the violence neither will it bring back the looted properties or houses that were burnt down.
This however gets me thinking…what really is justice?
I am no legal expert but in my layman’s understanding I would expect action taken against the perpetrators of the PEV.
Who really were the perpetrators?
With the magnitude of violence that rocked this country, I really do not think that only Six (now four) people could be held responsible. Others might argue that the four bear the heaviest responsibility over the violence and the rest were petty offenders. In my view these people we are referring to as petty offenders or “other players” were the people who actually murdered, raped children and women, burnt and looted houses. For real justice to be seen to be taking place these people must also be brought to book.

Uhuru, Muthaura, Ruto and Sang are the faces behind PEV to many Kenyans now. They are the “big fish” and many of us are in a celebratory mood because they have been nabbed! But just take a moment and reflect on this: what interests would Ruto and Sang have so as to collude to send away Kikuyus from Rift Valley? What of Uhuru and Muthaura?
If in anycase, these individuals were involved in the manner explained by the evidence brought before the ICC by Mr. Ocampo, then they should indeed be where they are. But that would only mean that they were Lieutenants in a secret army, so who are the Generals they were fighting for? Why are they not in court? Why dint Ocampo go after them? Did they conceal their involvement?
Hate me or love me….this is my opinion.
Yours truly,
Ominde Okoth Ka’Wambura

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Hats off to our soldiers in Somalia

Last week I wanted to launch a scathing attack on our government for its falure to protect Kenyan citizens and tourists by allowing the Al-Shabab militia to cross our borders at will abducting innocent people causing pain to friends and families. I however decided to put my piece on hold following some insider information from security quaters that informed me that something major was in the offing.

When I woke up Yesterday to the new that our soldiers have finaly crossed the border to take the battle to Al-Shabab's door-step I was once again very proud to be Kenyan. This government that has been very dysfunctional when it comes to protecting its people's interest and coward when it comes to protecting our territorial integrity to the extent that even the youngest nation in the world was now claiming part of our territory and it allowed this to happen in the name of always promoting peaceful co-existence with our neighbors even when the neighbors are shitting in our backyards and harassing our kids as is the case of Migingo.

Yesterday's events was a strong message to the international community and more so to our neighbors who have for a long time taken us for granted and many at times referring to our armory as military museums with a lot of fire power that has not been put to use.

Today I take time off from the usual vagueness to salute our men and women in uniform in Somalia for their courage. This war on al-shabab is not without controversy but I want to say it here and now that in the end Kenya will come out victorious and after Al-shabab we will go for Migingo and any other land within our borders that is under attack from the enemy.

The Al-shabab are now trying to instill fear among the Kenyan population by warning of reprisal attacks but I want everybody reading this to know that our country is at war, and in war there are casualties both civilian and uniformed. The government should ensure that all security apparatus are in place and civilian Kenyans are safe in whatever city they are in. In an unfortunate situation where these goons make good their threat of retaliations then the lives lost will be more reason for our men and women in uniform not to relent.

This is a call all of us to show our patriotism by constantly praying for our troops and in the end we shall win this war against terror. God bless KDF, God bless Kenya.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Vagueness in the Hood

My hood is such an interesting place to live in, if you are a writer there will always be so much to write about from open sewers to flying toilets to burst water pipes to nosy neighbours. But somewhere in the middle of all these I have my little paradise where I retire at the end of a long day in the office and on the road pedaling my bike which at times could be a tiring venture but I love it all the same coz it keeps me fit and saves the enviroment.

Talking about the enviroment, Last weekend we marked The Moving Planet - Global day against climate change at Dunga Beach, Kisumu. An event that brought together enviroment jiants in Kisumu and was organized by my good friends from Ecofinder Kenya. The day was marked with lots of activities from processsions to exhibitions and presentations by the various organizations and schools represented. Yours truely started as the MC and when guys went to do some tree planting I decided to refresh my roots, well not refresh my roots but discover the greatness inside me at Club Cassablanca with Bena, Dan, and the usual groupies.

What began as a little drink before going back to MC lasted till Kedo 7pm and my day was done in Dunga, totaly drunk and disorderly. When I finaly got home (ofcourse with some help) I got into an argument with my Landlord which almost ended up in an exchange of blows between me and his son but we all know who could have won. That scuffle earned me an eviction notice. I left for a club hoping spree but not without stopping at my bank to make Another Terrible Mistake!

A few thousand shillings rich I stepped into Club Signature. This is the only club in Kisumu u hav to pay 300 bob just to access so I was expecting some cool music mix but I was dissapointed. Took a beer then text my hoodrat Ngiri aka Mlevi for the action and he informed me that the beer was sweeter at Barcadia Lounge off I was to Barcadia.

I found Ngiri at Barcadia with some fly mamas that had him zubaa on their boobs. This Ngiri guy must love.....let me keep that to myself. He was in the company of his Radio Lake Victoria colleagues Richard Oyoo whom I have never met in a club, the tusker guy Omollo Abisa and Andericus Ngów wuon Ngarang' aka Professa who was all Speed. I love Barcadia the ambience is always wow my pal Symo and Vik will atest to that and its never congested coz the beer there is very expensive so broke guys preffer Quorum. The Deejay did not dissapoint with the mix...at one time I saw Ngiri holain the Dj to request for a shoutout but the Dj politely ignored him "Boss this is not Mulembe fm Mr. producer." Then it was time to head to Quorum kedo 2.00 am where I found my cuzo Bena sipping Tusker in the company of some hot babes I tried to funga one but she declined. In the houz too was one Omosh "mfupi" of WCK but there were no wild animals today so he was just refreshing his roots by himself. Btw did I tell you what ngiri was sipping? - Something that looked like jet fuel!! Boss how did u get that past security?

Soon it was time to stagger back home where my landlord insisted the following morning that the eviction notice is still on!!

So today I was out husling for a new crib in the neighbourhoods of Kenya-Re, Carwash and its environs. I got one nice empty house with the facilities I was looking for but was rather irritated by the owner when I asked about the house.
"Ni wewe unataka nyumba ama unatafutia mtu?"
"Ni mimi ninataka", I calmly replied.
In astonishment she replied, "Hakuna nyumba!'
I was being denied my right to own a house just bercause of my age! One thing I have never understood is the arrogance of some Luo women. Yaani this wooman looked at me and probably thought that at my age I could not afford her house!! I was tempted to send her my payslip ndiyo ajue looks could be decieving.

And as if that was not trouble enough for the day, my cable was disconnected and I dont have the vaguest Idea when my paycheck is coming but am praying hard something happens tommorow coz i can nolonger stand free to air TV especially with this Hague crap and now that my girlfriend has travelled to nai. Yaani my life is bilaz any form of entertainment. This are those times you get tempted to make a booty call -- hop she doesn't read this.

Back to the hague u huru had a field day with the prosecution lawyers today. One thing these guys dop not know how good Kenyan politicians are with words. I in particular liked his response whe asked about the ethnicity of Raila's supporters as was my pal Joanne..."Kikuyu's, Kambas, nubians, Somalis, Congolese,Nigerians..." boss this is not Top Comic u r a suspect! Wonder what he drank today, do they have Yokozuna at the Hague?

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Safari rally goes to my hood

They say too much work and no play makes Dan a dull boy so last weekend we went out to play with the big boys and big machines -- play we did big tyme!!

The KCB Safari Rally was finaly going down in my hood - no am not talking about Kisumu but my ocha - the big names like Ian were chasing each other around my sugar cane farm (yeah I got a sugar cane farm and with this sugar shortage you should be my friend) breathing our fresh air.

My pals and I were so looking forward to the Safo which was going to be a kind of High School reunion for my boys as all the big names from my class had promissed to attend: Symo aka Dj Sway, Tigi aka Mchelule, Vik aka -- he never had a nick name, Njenga aka Karume, Myself and our groopies (did I say groopies am so sory!!) bt. w where did the other High School groups dissapear to - think we are the only intact unit.

Meeting point was to be Chemelil round about now incase you dint know that is the biggest round about in Africa with a diameter of several hundred meters - think in terms of a rounda the size of Nyayo Stadium -- only in my hood u digg?
That is where this chopper was.

One Dj Sway left Nairobi at 5.00 am in the morning so that he could be at the rally by 11.00 am but boy got the tour of his life. I called him around 9.00 am and he was already in Kisii changing vehicles to Kisumu. An hour later he was in Sondu then when I called next he din't know where he was. An hour later he was in Londiani and I was shocked - how do you get from Sondu to Londiani on your way to Kisumu. I gave up calling and my girlfriend tried her luck. Mara Molo, then Eldoret, then Kitale now boy became a tourist as we enjoyed ourselves on the rally track.

Vick picked me at the famous round about kedo 12.30 pm like this he came with two other rides and coz his ride was full I had to hop into Erick Mwenda's ride while my girlfriend hoped onto another ride driven by a Sheldon or Shalton - not sure but coz they were Vik's pals I was easy.

Before we left the rounda two rally cars passed we took photos of them then these guys decided that we could not sit and watch other guys race, they got on to the track and followed suit. Vik gave up on the chase and came slowly but these other two guys decided to go full throttle - believe me when I say I was litteraly carrying my heart. One Erick is a dare devil driver! At one point I wanted to say "boss nashuka!". We even passed two rally cars on our way to the spectator stage.

Now I will excuse you for calling me a coward but boss am not used to cars. My dad never owned one and I just got my DL about two years ago and If I'm driving don't ever dream of hitting 60 kph coz that to me is over speeding and its not that I drive every day, I ride a bike to work - a bike without a motor; its something to do with corporate image and me being enviroment concious. The organization I work for promotes the use of bicycles and even our MD rides to work unless we are going out of town. Being enviroment councious also mean that I strive to reduce carbon emissions at all times that's why I'd rather ride than jive or drive.

On this one day I decided to drop my enviroment thing a bit and enjoy watching guys emitting carbon into the atmosphere. We got to the Chemelil spectator stage and it was like the whole of Nairobi and Kisumu had moved there (or atleast the important people in those towns). Big cars the Rovers and the hammers were cohabiting side by side with the corolas, the sunnys, the premios and even some proboxes and vitz showe up - looked like a photo of lambs and lions grazing together in paradise.

Then we met one Mr. David who was my math teacher in high school he also came with his little daughter to the venue. There was a lot of action for the fans at the spectator stage and we shouted our voices out cheering as the rally drivers drifted on a sharp bend leading out of the spectator stage. We brough all the high school madness and soon we took control of the venue.

Done with that it was time to head back to Kisumu to catch the finish line but before we left it was time for photomarathon taking group photos and guys kunywain something for the road - literaly!

Back on the rode Erick was at it again but we first had to pick one Ken who had come to the rally but preffered to remain at rounda pinting another friend Weso enjoyed both pint and action. We got to Awasi and Ken decided to load us with a beer each on our way to Kisumu. We got to Jommo Kenyatta Grounds where the finish was ahead of the rally cars and decided to enrich Kenya Breweries - Tuskers, Pilis and Guiness were flowing then there was Don; Viks small bro and Wesley who decided to cocktail their stomack these dudes drank, two different brands of vodka, tusker and some stuff I wonder if it was legit and before the end of the action they were out! Lesson: Alcohol is not your relative.

About six and Symo was calling saying he was in Kakamega. The same time Ian Duncan arrived winning the Kisumu edition. Soon it was time to pose for fotographs with him with wesso insisting we say he is the man - bullcrap! #things u do when drunk!!

Then there was the after party at Barcadia, boy that is a club with nice seats and expensive beer in Kisumu. I loved the ambience though and the Dj did not dissapoint with his live video mix. Dj Sway finaly arived at Barcadia and I still dont understand how they got lost between Kisii and Kisumu and ended up in Eldoret! To make it worse this dude works at Safaricom and his google phone comes with google earth kwani he could not just google directions for the driver? Nktsymo!

The day was well spent and as we retired for the night we were looking to doing it all over again next time and hope Sway will get lost again. And I finaly met Vik's girlfriend - cant remember the name but it starts with a V and she is now a friend on facebook though she spent most of the time sleeping in the car while we enjoyed the action wonder if Vik rears tsetseflies in his house - u never know a brother's night job LOL!

Sad news that was about the fire tragedy in the slums. It reminded me to live a day at a time and thank God each day I go to sleep and wake up in the morning alive coz we should never take such mercies for granted. I however don't know when we will ever understand that petrol means death especially if its flowing free. Cheap is always expensive.That goes to those who like cheap liquor as well, I hear some guys were sipping Yokozuna wakipiga stori ya Sinai si that is ujinga of the highest order!! How do you start drinking anything called Yokozuna even that name alone!! Watu wa Dolphin na Football and those funny drinks with stupid names jiadharini sana.

Be good, avoid free stuff like petrol lest we come to your funeral and ride a bike, redice carbon emissions and lets have a safe world free of global warming - btw am attending an event on global warming on 24th of this month I think I will be required to make a speech, who can help me write one?